It’s weird waking up every morning with a pit in your stomach. It’s weird not being able to diagnose that pit. When your stomach hurts, you know its from all the food last night. When your head hurts, you know its from watching too much TV, or from all the alcohol that you drank. But when you have that pit, that ache in your stomach and throat (other’s call it anxiety), I call it the pit… it’s the worst feeling, because you can’t label it. You can’t reason with why it’s there, or find a way to get rid of it. You can’t tame it.
Lately, every morning I have been waking up with this pit. It used to happen in college, with exams etc… the fact that it is happening in real life now is that more scary. W hat do I have to worry about now.. not having enough time to cook a dinner? to work out? to see my friends? The worries shift to something so so different with each phase of my life. Each phase, introduces new worries, that in the past may have seem insignificant or minuscule; but right now is your life. Even putting a name on something, won’t make that pit go away. Eventually, you get to consumed in your life, in whatever you are doing, that you forget about the pit and that you move on with your day. But unless you tackle it head on, to diagnose it, you will never fully get rid of that pit. It will keep coming back, every morning, every other morning.
This point in my life is so confusing. I wish I could go back and tell all those college kids to have a path figured out. To not even go to college til you know what you want to do. That’s a lie, truely, because I am not who I would be, I do not have the same interests had I not gone to college, in order to figure it all out. But part of life is finding your path and I just need to keep reminding myself that. It is OKAY to not have a path. It is better to not…. for when you do have a path straightened out- it will never work out that way. You will just end up being dissapointed. So in the big picture, I suppose it’s better off that I didn’t have some big plan to go to med school, or grad school- and then be dissapointed…. I just feel stuck.
I’m at an age where I’m used to being coddled and I’m used to being partly my parents, and partly myself, partly my friends, and partly an the “older” version of myself. However, many of my friends are all living on their own and are completely themselves, and I just want to get to that point. And right now, there’s no reason for me not to be at that point, but I am stuck. I feel like this happens often in life. You have a job that is really good, and you can’t necessarily leave it. I want to leave this job on good terms, but I also want to start my own life. Which one is worth more? Which one will have a bigger impact on my life? Which one is more important?
I don’t know the answer. I do know I am young, and I often compare myself to those much older. I have my entire life to be on my own, so its okay to live at home right now, not live my full life. I have my “weekend” life. I just know that I need to get there soon, and I need to do it in a way that makes me fully comfortable with myself before I get there. Whether that means waiting 3 or 4 years before going back to school, or whatever it is, I need to treat myself first, for once in my life. I need to not think about the ultimate goal, and just appreciate the now .Focus on the now. Focus on this chapter on my life and close it at the appropriate time.
I know that I will do great things in life. I know that I will succeed. I know that I will achieve everything I want. It’s just a matter of:
1. patience. Learning to appreciate my experiences now and have patience in getting to that point
2. figuring out where that is. If i rush into it, it will just make that pit feel even bigger.
I know that I want to be successful, innovative, and challenging. I know I want to bring about changes to my own life, and to be able to do multiple things, many things. I think I just want to be about 10 years older than I am, and I cannot. I need to take a breath, and be patient.
No wonder I wake up with a pit in my stomach. Trying to do all these things at once, having so many conflicting thoughts is not going to make me feel good. I know for now, that my path is wind-y (not windy). That there are many wrong turns and right turns to take. But I won’t know what those are until I get there. I won’t know which one is right or wrong until I’ve had the correct experiences first.
My solution for now? Is to breathe. Go to yoga, see my friends. Breathe. For breath can take you to where your mind and body cannot. It will allow you to see ideas, concepts, passions that you couldn’t before. And slowly, not immediately. Slowly, the pit will fade. I’m sure at somepoint it will turn into another, ugly, terrorizing pit. Equally as bad as the one before. But each one makes the next a little easier. To look at it face on, look at your life. See what it is in your life that is making you not be able to breathe right. And to let it go.