I Know.. This is the most influential year to come of my life

There has never been a time in my life where I felt that my decisions, my actions, my abilities… matter more. There has not been a time in my life where my future is in question as much as today. Where my life has yet to be written, and for the most part at this point lies in the hands of someone else to write my future. It is a lot of trust, in this thing called life. It’s a lot of trust that life works out as they say it does.

Up until college, you just kind of did what you did because your parents told you to. You also rebelled, you made choices to quit the team or gain interest in different hobbies. Stuff that effects your everyday life, but not your life outcome. When applying to college.. I don’t remember ever feeling stressed. I am not sure if it is because I had great parents that made sure I had the prep that I needed for college… Or maybe I just didn’t know what stress felt like. I just knew that is what I had to do. There was never a moment of question. In fact, I went to UNH, where both my parents, and sibling went. There was no decision to be made.

All throughout college I fell into that phase of high school… doing what you do just because that’s how you do it. I studied so that I got A’s… I went out so that I had friends. I had a relatively normal college experience. Again, as I look back, it never quite phased me what I would do in life after college. I knew I liked neuroscience, I knew I liked Chemistry… I knew I liked understanding why people are the way they are. That’s all I needed to motivate myself. It never crossed my mind of what would come after.

I sent in my graduate school applications about 2 weeks ago.. and it is an unsettling, unnerving, and inconfident feeling. I know that I did as well as I can…I know the plus’ and minus’ to my application. It is an interesting, unnatural feeling that for the first time in my life.. truly… my future is questionable. It is not spelled out. How do you know where to go from here? How do you know what is right? I certainly don’t know.. While I know this “uncertainty” is normal, it still sits wrong with me. I still don’t know what I want to do with my life. I still don’t know what my career path is. I am 23 years old… it feels pathetic. It feels scary.

2013 was a year of growth.   I grew out of my childhood room, and most of the scattered remains picked over from college of dolls, clothes and pictures. The most important thing to my life at one point are  irrelevant now. I felt that I grew out of living at home. I am 23 years old, I have my own bank account, credit card, car.. I am my own person. It was a constant struggle of telling myself it is only for 2 years, and appreciating the extra time I have in the nest. I have grown into my personality. I have learned to cook and bake, pretty darn well. I have learned to make a budget, how to lose friends, how to relieve anxiety through yoga and running, how to work on relationships worth keeping. With all this growth, it has made me ready to look at what is next. The predictability of these past two years have certainly prepared me for  2014.

That is why this year, 2014, is going to be the most influential of my life. There has never been a time in my life that is so ambiguous, so reliant on the path that life is taking me on… What I do know is that whichever way it works out for graduate school.. whatever decision the admissions committee makes, or that I make.. . is where I am supposed to be. My mind constantly streams what if’s… what will I do if I go to school in NYC, what will I do if I don’t get into school, what will I do if I don’t  get any money, what Will I do if I fail? Right now, it is about redefining this process. Looking at it from a bigger picture and understanding that my life is not over it is just beginning.  This is the beginning of a new chapter, and it’s okay to not know where it will end up. Whatever it may be for you… “Getting into school” … “Getting engaged”…. “landing a better job”… it is about how you can redefine the outcome if it is not what you want. Because you never will know what is truly right for you until you are in that moment. Perhaps law school was never right for you, and not getting in made you realize that… rather than wasting $30,000 for one years tuition only to find that out. That is when you say… thank you! Thank you.  Anytime that you feel your shoulders, brain, body tense… anytime where the feeling of stress, anxiety, upset, distress, defeat comes over you. Take a moment to feel that and experience it. But then redefine it. Do not let it redefine you.. use your mind to redefine what it means to your life. You need to triumph the feeling.

And isn’t this the most important part about this journey of life? Understanding, and accepting that there are 7.046 billion people who’s decisions also effect yours whether you like it or not. That when you wake up everyday, you have NO idea what it is going to come at you with.. which is a miracle! It is a scary miracle.. but how marvelous is it that our lives naturally change in unpredictable ways? Instilling this mentality will be the only way to mask my fear and stress. 2014, I am ready for you. I am ready for how you are about to change my life. I will love it either way.

 

“I’m tired of feeling like I’m fucking crazy
I’m tired of driving ’til I see stars in my eyes
All I got to keep myself sane, baby
So I just ride, I just ride”
-LANA DEL REY

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